“For everything there is a season; a time for every purpose under heaven…A time to laugh, a time to mourn…a time to gain and a time to lose…A time to keep silence and a time to speak…A time of war and a time of peace.” Eccl. 3
I am overcome. When I think of where I’ve been these last few months, of the gut wrenching agony, the suffocating grief…I am overcome by peace. Blessed, blessed peace. These last three months have been like living in hell, so much so that I wondered briefly if death itself wouldn’t be preferable. I was just so angry,and so terribly afraid. The hidden depths of my heart were being revealed – all the fears and emotional issues that I’d been stuffing for God knows how long. They crashed over me like a giant wave hell-bent on sucking me out to sea. I almost gave in, almost dove head first into it and damn the consequences.
But when the moment came that I just could not – absolutely could not – take it any longer, He was there.
This post has been on my heart for several days, but when I sat down this morning to write I prayed for God’s leading: God, what do you want to say to me through this? I had the tv on in the background, and I wasn’t really that focused on what I was writing, but then it happened: the video for “I Won’t Let Go” by Rascall Flatts came on. The song goes like this:
“It’s like a storm that cuts a path. It breaks your will. It feels like that. You think you’re lost, but you’re not lost on your own. You’re not alone. I will stand by you. I will help you through. When you’ve done all you can do, if you can’t cope, I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight. And I won’t let go.”
How could I not lift my hands and praise Him? Even through my tears and sobbing (thank God I was alone) I could not help but praise. He has stood by me. When I was so angry with Him I wanted to spit in his face, He was there. When I could no more worship Him than I could forget my loss, He was there. Through it all and in it all, He was there. And now, through His grace and patience and faithfulness, through his perfect timing, I have peace. Sweet, blessed peace.
For everything there is a season; a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to rest. I am in that season of rest, and also, I pray, a season of healing. Confronting my fears has not been pleasant, but I know that in order to experience life and life more abundantly, they must not only be confronted, but overcome. The roots of them must be healed and I want that healing. Part of me is chaffing – who would have thought that someone as lazy as me would feel this constant need for spiritual action? But the rest of me is just enjoying the quiet. I’m grateful beyond words for the peace in my life right now and I will enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
This post has not at all been about what I had originally thought. I guess sometimes God has his own ideas. If you’ve made it here to the end, all I can say is thank you for listening. And if you’re one who’s been praying for me through all of this, sincerely, thank you.
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)